What The Experts Say

A pastor & his friend are having a conversation...

-- Hey, look! My new issue of Preaching Pageantry just arrived in the mail!

-- Cool! Turn to page 27; there's a quiz: "What Your Preaching Says About You."

-- OK... Question #1: "What color tie do you wear?"

-- What does that have to do with anything?

-- I don't know, I'm not the expert, I didn't write the quiz... Let's see, usually, I wear a blue tie...

-- Uh-oh; it says that a blue tie communicates that you'd rather be somewhere else. That's minus 5 points. Perhaps you should wear green ties more often.

-- I don't think so. It says green means I'm untrustworthy.

-- What's the next question?

-- Number 2: "Grooming -- How much facial hair do you have?" ... Hey, it says having a beard means I lack sincerity! That's another minus 5 points!

-- Maybe you should trim it down to a gotee?

-- No, a gotee means I'm trying too hard to be cool.

-- How about clean-shaven, then?

-- Squeaky-clean, but lacking experience.... Next question: "Do you use a manuscript or notes?"

-- How many points do you get for using a manuscript?

-- Minus 2, for lack of confidence. But that's better than those who preach with no manuscript or notes at all; they get minus ten for appearing to make it all up as they go.

-- Ouch. That's harsh.

-- OK, last question: "Who do you most sound like when you preach? a) James Earl Jones, b) George W. Bush, c) John Malkovich, or d) Pee-Wee Herman?

You don't sound like any of them; you just sound like you.

Well, apparently that isn't good enough. Minus 3.

-- What's your total?

-- Minus 15. Dang. I guess I need to buy a bunch of these expensive preaching resources listed at the end of the article.

-- Well, look on the bright side.

-- What's that?

-- Given the questions, I bet you scored higher on the quiz than Pastor Harriet across town.